Against my better judgement, I finally acquiesced and bought a phone with a camera for Archbishop Slappy. I was worried about what he would say, but it was still better than hearing him yell about a “camera phone” incessantly. I didn’t expect to have to say what I am going to say next:

We at HOmeLESSPIMPS.com are here to help the homeless and not use them as feed for big cats. We do not penalize the homeless for not wearing the pimp suits, but we do remove them from the support that our programs have to offer. We certainly do not force them to make internet videos. In addition, we do not own any tigers and are not affiliated with anyone who owns tigers. Furthermore, we discourage any such tiger-owning entities from feeding homeless people to their tigers. We officially take a firm stance against that.

Again: I DO NOT OWN ANY TIGERS AND IF I DID, I WOULD NOT FEED THEM A DIET OF HOMELESS PEOPLE! “His Royal Pimpness” is not forced to make “pimp” videos. He is trying to get me arrested so that he can keep my house. He says that he has squatters rights. For those who keep asking, I have thought about kicking him out of my house on multiple different occasions, but I am sadly aware of what will happen to him if I do. It would be an especially cold decision given the current health crisis that haunts our country despite the fact that he has completely defiled my pool.

Lastly, it is with great pain that I have to make this last statement…again. Archbishop Slappy is not a prisoner in my basement and is free to come and go as he pleases. I only lock the basement door at night because I am afraid that he will kill me in my sleep. There is a small window down there that he can squeeze through in case of emergency. I have a household fire escape plan and have gone over it with him. Please do not believe him when he states that he is locked in.

Thank you for your time. New Merchandise will be available soon. Look cool and show people you care at the same time by wearing only officially licensed HOmeLESSPIMPS.com apparel!

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