Here we are several years into our experiment and all I have to show for it is a homeless man (who thinks he is the reincarnation of Dolemite) living in my basement. It seems like my high paying salary as a fast food manager is not enough to adequately fund this venture. I need a money man. I applied to Shark Tank, but they responded by saying that our product was not what they were looking for. The people on that show do not appear to care about realistic business proposals that also solve society’s ills.
Here is my proposal, for a low, low investment of $30,000 we can buy 600 pimp suits for the homeless. While wearing the suits, the homeless will naturally become a tourist draw. They will easily boost their income and get off the streets. Word of mouth will spread and the money will flow. Homelessness in the city of Philadelphia will end. One of the side effects will be that the demand for housing in the city will increase and property values will rise. We will be forever honored as the saviors of our beloved, yet beleaguered home town. Sounds great, right? But where is the profit making potential?
We have both a short run and long run model for this. In the long run, we control the merchandising rights to the company and the logo. People will want to be associated with this capitalistic approach to social problems. We will have hats, t-shirts, coffee mugs and most importantly, we will have public appearances from Archbishop Slappy himself. As his agents and the owner’s of the intellectual property rights, we will benefit from the packed stadium tours and endless endorsements. Rest assured that the profits will be astronomical. After we completely eliminate homelessness in the city, there will be no more homeless to help and we keep 100% of the profit!
I know what you are thinking. What’s the catch? The risk must be in the short run model, right? No, we recoup our expenses and some profit from the homeless themselves. We are NOT simply giving anything away, we will demand immediate returns on our investment. We fully expect that over half of the costumes will go missing immediately. The other 300 homeless will agree to pay 30% of their earnings directly to us for their first $1200 and 15% after the first $1200. These revenues will cover the price of their suits plus the price of a collection agent. An agent is needed because it will probably be difficult to collect at first. If a homeless person rejects this agreement, we need the agent to repossess the costume and return it to us so we can find another more willing participant. With 300 homeless, we project revenues of over $100,000 in the first month. After administrative expenses, you can expect to start seeing a massive return of your $30k within 4 months. As we expand and reinvest the ceiling of your profits is limitless.
If we are unable to secure a single investor, we will also consider selling ownership shares. Only $150 gets you a .1% share of the company. Imagine owning a .1% share of a billion dollar company. That means your paltry $125 investment could be worth $1,000,000! Forget Game Stop stock, this has potential to be much more valuable.
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