The Archbishop was so inspired and thankful for your support over the last few months that he decided to give you all the gift of his original Christmas story. Here he is with, “How Slappy Saved Christmas”. Although, he prefers the title, “The Pimpus Claus”.
Despite what some people on the internet want you to believe, Archbishop Slappy is in the state. For the time being, he lives in my basement. Also, contrary the rumors that you may have heard, he is not locked in my basement. He is free to come and go as he pleases, but for security reasons we do lock it when we are sleeping. There is also window that he can get out of if he needs to.
Anyway, the photos of His Royal Pimpness that have been circulating are FAKE. If you look closely, you can see that it is the same picture of him cleverly photoshopped in different settings. That being said, it is kind of funny and it does bring awareness to our cause. There is no bad press I guess, so here are a couple of my favorites:
And of course, Archbishop Slappy with Cambodian children:
Check out our new monthly raffle. It is free to enter and one lucky winner will be drawn on the 20th of every month. The winner will receive signed, authentic memoribilia! Limit one entry per e-mail address. Multiple entries will void all entries involving duplicate e-mail addresses. Good Luck!
Thank you to everyone who showed up to our first, but definitely not last “Pimps Up, Homelessness Down” fundraiser. Pictures are coming soon! And yes we have pictures of Gene, “Doin tha Butt”.
For those of you who were unable to attend, here is an update on our success so far. We went apartment shopping with our biggest success story, Archbishop Slappy. We have not found anything yet, but we are making progress. Our biggest obstacle is that he keeps declaring that, “The Sultan of Swag only lives in Penthouses.” We’ll get there.
Bobo is also doing well. He now prefers the moniker Bobo Hoho. He seems to be on his way up too. He already has enough to put down on an apartment, but he refuses to leave the streets. Our therapists are on it.
Sadly, Cha Cha is missing. Please if you see him, get in contact. He was last seen wearing a Gold and Purple suit with cheetah inlays. In general, contact us if you see any homeless man wearing purple and gold. It’s probably Cha Cha. We are worried about him. Do not approach him without food as he has been known to bite.
A special thank you to Jerry. Despite his initial objection to the cover charge, he was integral in kicking out the crazy, libtard chick who didn’t think we should be helping the homeless. Screw her!
That’s our update. More coming soon!
Don and Biscuit
Our inaugural “Pimps Up, Homelessness Down” fundraiser is tonight at the Moose Lodge. Dollar hot dogs and a cash bar will be available for all who attend. The cover charge is $5 in advance and $7 at the door. D.J. Krazy Kevvy will be spinning all your favorite tunes. So far we have only sold 9 tickets.
For those who are too cheap to buy tickets, don’t think you can just stroll in without paying. I know that Jerry is a board member and he thinks all members should be able to bypass the cover, but I have rented the entire hall. Your membership means nothing tonight. Al Jordan assured me that there will be penalties for those who neglect this club rule.
Who’s the dumbass for hiring Kevin Jordan to DJ now, Jerry?
Due to a need to expand, we recently increased Slappy’s royalty fee from 20 to 25% of the net after management fees. This has allowed us to try and help two more souls. After an exhausting tryout, we have settled upon two men. Their names are Bobo and Cha Cha. Bobo will be dressed in a green and gold motif while Cha Cha will be wearing royal purple.
If you see either, please show them how much you appreciate the people on the bottom rung of our society trying to make the city a better place. Imagine flocks of tourists coming to Philly just to tip the homeless! It’s going to be a huge hit!