Tigers

Against my better judgement, I finally acquiesced and bought a phone with a camera for Archbishop Slappy. I was worried about what he would say, but it was still better than hearing him yell about a “camera phone” incessantly. I didn’t expect to have to say what I am going to say next:

We at HOmeLESSPIMPS.com are here to help the homeless and not use them as feed for big cats. We do not penalize the homeless for not wearing the pimp suits, but we do remove them from the support that our programs have to offer. We certainly do not force them to make internet videos. In addition, we do not own any tigers and are not affiliated with anyone who owns tigers. Furthermore, we discourage any such tiger-owning entities from feeding homeless people to their tigers. We officially take a firm stance against that.

Again: I DO NOT OWN ANY TIGERS AND IF I DID, I WOULD NOT FEED THEM A DIET OF HOMELESS PEOPLE! “His Royal Pimpness” is not forced to make “pimp” videos. He is trying to get me arrested so that he can keep my house. He says that he has squatters rights. For those who keep asking, I have thought about kicking him out of my house on multiple different occasions, but I am sadly aware of what will happen to him if I do. It would be an especially cold decision given the current health crisis that haunts our country despite the fact that he has completely defiled my pool.

Lastly, it is with great pain that I have to make this last statement…again. Archbishop Slappy is not a prisoner in my basement and is free to come and go as he pleases. I only lock the basement door at night because I am afraid that he will kill me in my sleep. There is a small window down there that he can squeeze through in case of emergency. I have a household fire escape plan and have gone over it with him. Please do not believe him when he states that he is locked in.

Thank you for your time. New Merchandise will be available soon. Look cool and show people you care at the same time by wearing only officially licensed HOmeLESSPIMPS.com apparel!

Slappy is Missing

I have received quite a few messages concerning the whereabouts of the Archbishop. Short answer is that I don’t know.

Every June, Slappy announces that he is free. This year, I tried to tell him that he only lives here and is free to come and go as he wishes. His response was, “I don’t gotta listen to no chalkie,” and I “don’t control Slaps no more.” For the record, I don’t control him at all. He won’t do anything I ask him to anyway.

I think that this is some sort of Juneteenth celebration in his head. I don’t know where he goes or what he does, but he usually returns by the end of the month. I just hope that he returns safe. If anyone sees him, please let me know that he’s okay.

Chalkie Awareness Week

Judging by the many e-mails that I have received, some of you are more than a little upset about “Chalkie Awareness Week”. All I can say is, be thankful that the creator of it does not live in your house.

That being said, I find it particularly hilarious that so many people have enough time to argue and complain about the pictures that a homeless person puts on the internet. If he said it on the streets, people would ignore him. Why is it that when he puts it on social media there is outrage?

As I have explained to many people over many e-mails this week, stop worrying about the Slappy’s politics. I understand that he has completely missed the point of spreading awareness, but he is a crazy, homeless man. What did you expect? However, if you continue to have a problem with what he is saying, talk to him, not me. No more e-mails about Slappy’s behavior, please. They have no effect and are a waste of time. The Archbishop doesn’t listen to me. If he did, we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.

Weird Texts from Shady

Shady's fake text messages to Slappy
When Slappy first showed me these texts, I was shocked. I didn’t know that Shady Yasin was into these kind of things. After thinking about it for a moment, I realized that Slappy does not have a phone and is incapable of texting. (I did give him a phone once, all he did was order pizza even though he didn’t have the money to pay for it)

I asked the Archbishop where these texts from Shady Yasin came from and he said “the internet”. I find the whole thing hard to believe, and I think it’s safe to say that this is FAKE. Funny, but fake. I hope that nobody who had a crush on Shady got excited by these fraudulent texts and got their hopes up. Then again, if you have hopes of spanking Shady while he is wearing a Bo Peep outfit, go ahead and ask him. You never know until you try!

BUT THESE ARE REAL!Screenshot_2019-05-24 Voice - NW Auto Locator(2)Screenshot_2019-05-24 Voice - NW Auto Locator(1)Screenshot_2019-05-24 Voice - NW Auto Locator

Just to be safe, you might want your children to be supervised at all times around Shady.

Morality and Shady Yasin

To the best of my knowledge, the phones over at Wheel Doctor are ringing off the hooks with about 30 salesman trying to sell mortgages and debt consolidation to Shady Yasin. And I may have lent my phone to Slappy so that he could call over to Wheel Doctor and taunt Shady while the sales calls were coming in. This is definitely costing him money in missed customers and wasted effort. I should stop it. At the same time, a grown man like Shady should have known better than to get into a battle with a crazy, homeless man dressed in a cheap pimp costume. When all is said and done, I am probably the least guilty person in this whole scenario.

As I sit, I am caught in a moral conundrum. Most rational adults would have taken Slappy’s phone and computer away by now instead of mildly encouraging the behavior. That being said, most rational adults wouldn’t allow a homeless man to live in their basement in the first place and therefore wouldn’t be in this situation. But, I have decided to let this go, mostly because it’s hilarious.

Shady has taken the one thing that Slappy loved away. He loves his Instagram page and he loves making pictures of himself that make his followers laugh. You are all the best thing that has ever happened to him. (Except for someone named Bee Man. He hates Bee man) Because of Shady’s little bot game, the Archbishop has been banned from using hashtags and therefore cannot cast easily gain more followers. He is more angry than I have ever seen him in the two years that he has been living here. How am I supposed to take his computer and tell him that he has to take crap from a snitching POS without defending himself?

I texted Shady and tried to stop this in the very beginning, but Shady chose to threaten to hurt me instead of taking my advice. I tried everything in my power to stop it and I failed. I can still end it by taking Slappy’s computer, but is that justice? Is it fair? Shady has the power to make it stop by apologizing, but he chose pride over business revenue. Something in me thinks that he does not deserve both, especially when I know that if he had pride, he would not have snitched to get himself out of trouble. It seems to me like Shady losing a little pride is the most fair outcome right now.

So my last plea is to people who know Shady. Let’s help the homeless guy win one and keep his pride. Ask Shady to apologize and this all can end. Or we can just let it escalate so we can all see what happens next. Frankly, I’m good with either one!

Texts from Shady Yasin

In an effort to cool down the online fight that the Archbishop in with Shady Yasin, the owner of Wheel Doctor PDX in Portland, OR (www.wheeldoctorpdx.com), I reached out to him. The things that this moron sent to a complete stranger…Homophobia, Racism, Threats of violence, Threats to snitch (again). I couldn’t write this shit. Nothing has been edited except for my home address…Enjoy

Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(21)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(1)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(2)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(3)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(4)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(5)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(6)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(7)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(8)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(9)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(10)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(11)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(12)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(13)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(14)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(15)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(16)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(17)Screenshot_2019-05-19 Voice - NW Auto Locator(20)

Wheel Doctor PDX in Oregon

Slappy has started an online confrontation with Shady Yasin, the owner of Wheel Doctor PDX in Portland, OR (www.wheeldoctorpdx.com). To be nice, I tried to warn this idiot not to mess with the Archbishop. This guy takes my kind-hearted attempt to play nice and instead chooses to try to attack my website!

According to this website, Shady is a real douchebag: Shady Yasin. Slappy apparently called him out on allegedly snitching to law enforcement and he got Slaps banned from Instagram. Things are escalating and we all know Slaps never stops.

My problem is that he is now coming after me because I tried to help him. I have tried to get Slappy to back off but we all know how that goes. Any suggestions on how to get this trash out of my life?

Donate 88 Cents a Day

If you have done any of the math that Slappy has suggested, you would realize that 5000 donations of 88 cents a day amounts to over $1.5 million a year. I’m sure that he has done the math. I know better than most people that he is crazy, but that does not mean that he is not capable of an elaborate ruse.

Even though I don’t believe that there is anything illegal about his request, something about it is off. I really don’t want a major fraud trial to add to his other legal woes. It’s getting really expensive already.

I think we’re all better off letting this one go. If you would like to offer Slappy a job, we are entertaining offers (pimping and sex trafficking jobs offers will not be accepted). If you are looking to give him 88 cents a day, please do it with full knowledge that $1.5 million a year is probably better off in other hands.

In closing, remember that Slappy is exceedingly intelligent, but he uses his power in cunning attempts to deceive people. Don’t fall for it. Make him work for a living like the rest of us.

Here’s What’s Really Going on…

So, things have become a little crazy and some people are very confused. The most popular question is: “What the hell is this?” In order to answer that, I have to take you back to the very beginning.

I, Don Blackburn, and my partner in crime Biscuit Dollapacca have an idea. We think that if we can dress the entire homeless population like 70’s street pimps, they would become a tourist attraction. There are plenty of obvious revenue streams here that can be used to fund leg up programs, job placement services and drug and alcohol addiction centers.

We went to find the homeless man who could adequately represent our brand. After plenty of interviews, we decided that Slappy is our man. He is charming, well-spoken, kind, intelligent and completely bat-shit crazy. Once the costume was on, he immediately declared himself Archbishop Slappy and he has taken on that persona ever since.

To promote our organization tried some stunts on Facebook, they failed. We tried a different approach on twitter, that failed too. We tried to sell T-shirts, no one wants them. We made really funny videos, no one watched. We have a feature length movie script, it gets great reviews, but no one wants to buy it. This means that we have no money for pimp suits for the rest of the homeless, so our idea failed.

I couldn’t put Slappy back out on the streets, so I moved him into my basement. I gave him a TV, an old cell phone and an old computer. He spent most of his time watching reruns of “That’s My Mama” until late 2018. That is when the fake homeless pimp appeared in Georgia and Slappy went ballistic. He started an Instagram account, learned to photo shop and has been doing some of the most oddly hilarious things ever since. He is very smart and really funny.

So that’s it. That’s what’s happening. Now for some other frequently asked questions:

This can’t be real, right?
The story above is the 100% truth

Is he really homeless?
Sort of, he’s lived in my basement for over a year now. That’s not really a home.

What’s his real name?
I don’t know. He insists that his only name is Slappy. I know almost nothing about his past. If you ask him about his past, you might get a fabricated, but completely hilarious story.

You let a bat-shit crazy homeless man live in your basement?
What else was I supposed to do? As I said, he is charming and intelligent. He is kind and harmless. He really isn’t that much of an inconvenience now that I am used to him

You’re okay with his constant anti-white racism?
If you’re offended by what a bat-shit crazy, homeless man thinks about racial constructs in the US, you are way too sensitive

Why do the memes have perfect grammar and “Slappy” can’t spell or speak well?
Your guess is as good as mine. He’s really smart. He speaks well. Watch the videos, you’ll see it. Why he writes like that makes no sense. Personally, I stopped trying to make sense of any of this long ago. My best guess is that there is more than one person in that head.