Chalkie Re-Edcuation Camps

I have heard a lot about this. Slappy tells me that I’m going first. I asked him who was going to make his food if he locks me up, and he said, “I gotta think bout that.” So I think I’m good.

Seriously, Slappy has no bank account even if he does actually raise money so no real threat here. He’s just excitable right now.

However, he did coerce a couple of white guys back to the house…He also had some rope in the basement. I do not want to think about what would happen if I wasn’t there to stop it. Thankfully, they thought Slappy was going to introduce them to prostitutes, so they will probably keep their mouths shut.

Just in case, please do not donate to this venture, because if you give him money, and he can figure out how to get it, he might start kidnapping white people.

Please Stop Calling the Cops

The Archbishop is causing problems again because he wants me to buy him a $3000 TV. He is not a hostage. He is a crazy homeless man who has decided that the 10 year old 53″ inch plasma TV is not good enough for him. Do not listen to him. The local cops want to start fining me due to the excessive calls at my address. Stop listening to him.

Searching for Miracle Investors

Here we are several years into our experiment and all I have to show for it is a homeless man (who thinks he is the reincarnation of Dolemite) living in my basement. It seems like my high paying salary as a fast food manager is not enough to adequately fund this venture. I need a money man. I applied to Shark Tank, but they responded by saying that our product was not what they were looking for. The people on that show do not appear to care about realistic business proposals that also solve society’s ills.

Here is my proposal, for a low, low investment of $30,000 we can buy 600 pimp suits for the homeless. While wearing the suits, the homeless will naturally become a tourist draw. They will easily boost their income and get off the streets. Word of mouth will spread and the money will flow. Homelessness in the city of Philadelphia will end. One of the side effects will be that the demand for housing in the city will increase and property values will rise. We will be forever honored as the saviors of our beloved, yet beleaguered home town. Sounds great, right? But where is the profit making potential?

We have both a short run and long run model for this. In the long run, we control the merchandising rights to the company and the logo. People will want to be associated with this capitalistic approach to social problems. We will have hats, t-shirts, coffee mugs and most importantly, we will have public appearances from Archbishop Slappy himself. As his agents and the owner’s of the intellectual property rights, we will benefit from the packed stadium tours and endless endorsements. Rest assured that the profits will be astronomical. After we completely eliminate homelessness in the city, there will be no more homeless to help and we keep 100% of the profit!

I know what you are thinking. What’s the catch? The risk must be in the short run model, right? No, we recoup our expenses and some profit from the homeless themselves. We are NOT simply giving anything away, we will demand immediate returns on our investment. We fully expect that over half of the costumes will go missing immediately. The other 300 homeless will agree to pay 30% of their earnings directly to us for their first $1200 and 15% after the first $1200. These revenues will cover the price of their suits plus the price of a collection agent. An agent is needed because it will probably be difficult to collect at first. If a homeless person rejects this agreement, we need the agent to repossess the costume and return it to us so we can find another more willing participant. With 300 homeless, we project revenues of over $100,000 in the first month. After administrative expenses, you can expect to start seeing a massive return of your $30k within 4 months. As we expand and reinvest the ceiling of your profits is limitless.

If we are unable to secure a single investor, we will also consider selling ownership shares. Only $150 gets you a .1% share of the company. Imagine owning a .1% share of a billion dollar company. That means your paltry $125 investment could be worth $1,000,000! Forget Game Stop stock, this has potential to be much more valuable.

Send an inquiry via the website. All inquiries will be responded to within 24 hours.

Sexually Transmitted Covid Vaccine

No matter how long this goes on for, I am still shocked about the things that I have to clarify. No, Slappy has not found a sexually transmitted covid vaccine. He is not a scientist. He is a crazy homeless person. He lives in my basement. He does not have any “Hoes”. To the best of my knowledge, he does not have a lab to produce a vaccine.

Lastly, there is no human trafficking business operating out of my basement. There is no illegal activity occurring in my home. Please stop calling the police.

IF you would like an official Archbishop Slappy T-Shirt, those are actually available. Please reach out through this site.

Tigers

Against my better judgement, I finally acquiesced and bought a phone with a camera for Archbishop Slappy. I was worried about what he would say, but it was still better than hearing him yell about a “camera phone” incessantly. I didn’t expect to have to say what I am going to say next:

We at HOmeLESSPIMPS.com are here to help the homeless and not use them as feed for big cats. We do not penalize the homeless for not wearing the pimp suits, but we do remove them from the support that our programs have to offer. We certainly do not force them to make internet videos. In addition, we do not own any tigers and are not affiliated with anyone who owns tigers. Furthermore, we discourage any such tiger-owning entities from feeding homeless people to their tigers. We officially take a firm stance against that.

Again: I DO NOT OWN ANY TIGERS AND IF I DID, I WOULD NOT FEED THEM A DIET OF HOMELESS PEOPLE! “His Royal Pimpness” is not forced to make “pimp” videos. He is trying to get me arrested so that he can keep my house. He says that he has squatters rights. For those who keep asking, I have thought about kicking him out of my house on multiple different occasions, but I am sadly aware of what will happen to him if I do. It would be an especially cold decision given the current health crisis that haunts our country despite the fact that he has completely defiled my pool.

Lastly, it is with great pain that I have to make this last statement…again. Archbishop Slappy is not a prisoner in my basement and is free to come and go as he pleases. I only lock the basement door at night because I am afraid that he will kill me in my sleep. There is a small window down there that he can squeeze through in case of emergency. I have a household fire escape plan and have gone over it with him. Please do not believe him when he states that he is locked in.

Thank you for your time. New Merchandise will be available soon. Look cool and show people you care at the same time by wearing only officially licensed HOmeLESSPIMPS.com apparel!

Slappy is Missing

I have received quite a few messages concerning the whereabouts of the Archbishop. Short answer is that I don’t know.

Every June, Slappy announces that he is free. This year, I tried to tell him that he only lives here and is free to come and go as he wishes. His response was, “I don’t gotta listen to no chalkie,” and I “don’t control Slaps no more.” For the record, I don’t control him at all. He won’t do anything I ask him to anyway.

I think that this is some sort of Juneteenth celebration in his head. I don’t know where he goes or what he does, but he usually returns by the end of the month. I just hope that he returns safe. If anyone sees him, please let me know that he’s okay.

Chalkie Awareness Week

Judging by the many e-mails that I have received, some of you are more than a little upset about “Chalkie Awareness Week”. All I can say is, be thankful that the creator of it does not live in your house.

That being said, I find it particularly hilarious that so many people have enough time to argue and complain about the pictures that a homeless person puts on the internet. If he said it on the streets, people would ignore him. Why is it that when he puts it on social media there is outrage?

As I have explained to many people over many e-mails this week, stop worrying about the Slappy’s politics. I understand that he has completely missed the point of spreading awareness, but he is a crazy, homeless man. What did you expect? However, if you continue to have a problem with what he is saying, talk to him, not me. No more e-mails about Slappy’s behavior, please. They have no effect and are a waste of time. The Archbishop doesn’t listen to me. If he did, we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.

Weird Texts from Shady

Shady's fake text messages to Slappy
When Slappy first showed me these texts, I was shocked. I didn’t know that Shady Yasin was into these kind of things. After thinking about it for a moment, I realized that Slappy does not have a phone and is incapable of texting. (I did give him a phone once, all he did was order pizza even though he didn’t have the money to pay for it)

I asked the Archbishop where these texts from Shady Yasin came from and he said “the internet”. I find the whole thing hard to believe, and I think it’s safe to say that this is FAKE. Funny, but fake. I hope that nobody who had a crush on Shady got excited by these fraudulent texts and got their hopes up. Then again, if you have hopes of spanking Shady while he is wearing a Bo Peep outfit, go ahead and ask him. You never know until you try!

BUT THESE ARE REAL!Screenshot_2019-05-24 Voice - NW Auto Locator(2)Screenshot_2019-05-24 Voice - NW Auto Locator(1)Screenshot_2019-05-24 Voice - NW Auto Locator

Just to be safe, you might want your children to be supervised at all times around Shady.

Morality and Shady Yasin

To the best of my knowledge, the phones over at Wheel Doctor are ringing off the hooks with about 30 salesman trying to sell mortgages and debt consolidation to Shady Yasin. And I may have lent my phone to Slappy so that he could call over to Wheel Doctor and taunt Shady while the sales calls were coming in. This is definitely costing him money in missed customers and wasted effort. I should stop it. At the same time, a grown man like Shady should have known better than to get into a battle with a crazy, homeless man dressed in a cheap pimp costume. When all is said and done, I am probably the least guilty person in this whole scenario.

As I sit, I am caught in a moral conundrum. Most rational adults would have taken Slappy’s phone and computer away by now instead of mildly encouraging the behavior. That being said, most rational adults wouldn’t allow a homeless man to live in their basement in the first place and therefore wouldn’t be in this situation. But, I have decided to let this go, mostly because it’s hilarious.

Shady has taken the one thing that Slappy loved away. He loves his Instagram page and he loves making pictures of himself that make his followers laugh. You are all the best thing that has ever happened to him. (Except for someone named Bee Man. He hates Bee man) Because of Shady’s little bot game, the Archbishop has been banned from using hashtags and therefore cannot cast easily gain more followers. He is more angry than I have ever seen him in the two years that he has been living here. How am I supposed to take his computer and tell him that he has to take crap from a snitching POS without defending himself?

I texted Shady and tried to stop this in the very beginning, but Shady chose to threaten to hurt me instead of taking my advice. I tried everything in my power to stop it and I failed. I can still end it by taking Slappy’s computer, but is that justice? Is it fair? Shady has the power to make it stop by apologizing, but he chose pride over business revenue. Something in me thinks that he does not deserve both, especially when I know that if he had pride, he would not have snitched to get himself out of trouble. It seems to me like Shady losing a little pride is the most fair outcome right now.

So my last plea is to people who know Shady. Let’s help the homeless guy win one and keep his pride. Ask Shady to apologize and this all can end. Or we can just let it escalate so we can all see what happens next. Frankly, I’m good with either one!